Dear Beau,
I'm writing this in the hopes that it will be therapeutic for me, and in the hopes that somehow these words will reach you outside of the cyber world (but, judging by your Facebook page, maybe you're tech savvy enough to see it here).
I miss you.
Sunday seemed so surreal. I had just finished dropping off Damien at his dorm (remember him? You loved him when he came to visit this summer, I was totally surprised at your reaction) when I remembered Dad had texted me earlier that morning asking me to call him, so I called the house right away. Mom picked up, and her voice sounded so weak and foreign, and my earlier thoughts about Dad texting me "to talk" because I was in trouble for something, vanished...I knew it was something else. Mom asked where I was and I said I was driving, and she asked me if I could pull over and talk, so I pulled into the parking lot across from Damien's dorm. She kept saying "um" and sounded nervous, nothing at all like her loud, straight-to-the-point typical way of speaking. She asked what my plans were for the day and I said I had to work at 4, but to just get on with it and tell me what was up. She kept hesitating, and I could hear her voice breaking as she stumbled to get the words out to me, "Dad and I think...we think...um...we think we need to put Beau down".
I almost dropped the phone.
I'd been trying to prepare myself for this call for months, knowing that at over a hundred years old you were just getting tired. I began sobbing and told Mom that I would immediately call work and come home, I would be there for you and for her and for me. We hung up and shock and total agony hit me. I texted Damien saying I needed to come back inside and see him immediately. I ran across the parking lot, my glasses fogging up with hot tears in the cold air and ran up the stairs, tripping once, to the second floor. As soon as he opened the door I collapsed into him, sobbing, and he kept yelling, "Alyssa! Oh God, what's wrong! What happened?!" And I couldn't even catch my breath enough to tell him. Fighting through tears I told him what Mom had said, and I could feel him holding my body up from collapsing onto the floor. He put me on the bed and held me as I convulsed with tears, thinking that you weren't ready yet, it was too soon, and I hadn't had enough time with you while I've been away at school. After twenty minutes of me shaking and Damien trying to console me, I knew I had to go home and face you.
I drove shakily back to my apartment to change, and I didn't make it farther than my bed, where I just lay down and held the stuffed animal puppy Damien gave me, and cried. I called Ella and told her what was happening, I knew she would know what to say and what to do- and in fifteen minutes there was an unexpected knock at my front door, and Ella and Lauren were standing there, taking me into their arms, both knowing exactly what I was going through. Their presence calmed me and their words consoled me, they had both suffered the pain that I was feeling and knew that I wouldn't be able to handle it alone. After they left I lay down again, thinking about what I would do when I got home.
I finally mustered up the strength to throw on slightly more than pajamas, get in my car, and drive home. I cried the whole way home, knowing what I had to face when I got there. Danica texted me when I was about twenty minutes away saying, "hurry the fuck home, i can't do this alone". I couldn't do it alone either.
When I pulled into the house I felt this overwhelming sense of dread, sadness, and happiness. It was a beautiful day, you're favorite kind of days- maybe equal to fresh snowfall. I got out of the car and Dad was standing on the deck, and he waved me up there, gesturing that you were up there too. I walked slowly up the brick path, barely lifting my knees, the definition of a trudge. As soon as I saw you, I began crying, which I'm sure you remember because you looked straight at me when I got up the stairs. Mom came out and hugged me, and then Danica. I walked over to you and put my face really close to yours and said "I love you" and then I went to the bathroom and cried while you lay there enjoying a perfect fall day.
The last food I got to share with you and sneak to you, like we always did, was Mom's homemade Italian Wedding Soup. I'm glad it got to be that, because it's a close second to Chickarina, which we all know you had a love for. Dad said he gave you bacon, eggs, and toast for breakfast, and Mom said she gave you vanilla ice cream, and Danica supplied a wide variety of treats. That, along with two great walks with Mom and Dad, gave me solace knowing you had a beautiful last day.
When Dad said it was time to go to the doctor's, my heart stopped. We all solemnly went outside and got in the car, and it was like you knew what was coming and you were happy we were all there and that you would finally be able to rest. The fifteen minute drive felt like two hours, and I got car-sick along the way, my brain and body feeling hundreds of emotions swirling inside. As soon as we got out of the car, you and Dad took the lead while Danica linked her arm with mine and we burst into tears. I didn't care if the nurses were all staring at us, making a scene walking in- I was glad there were no other patients there. Sitting with you in the waiting room felt like an eternity and I couldn't hold myself together enough to be strong for you, I'm sorry I cried so much.
The doctor finally brought you back in with the catheter, ready when we were. I hate needles too, so I felt you discomfort when you whined with it stuck in you like that. She said she would first administer a sedative, to calm you down, and then give you the final medicine, and I could feel the snot and tears rolling down my face. As soon as she put the sedative in, I could see you struggle at first, uncomfortable I'm sure, but then your body relaxed as Mom, Dad, Danica, and I held you. Watching Dad cry like that was one of the hardest things I've ever seen, do you ever remember him crying before? I can't really, although I'm sure it's happened. Finally, she injected the last medicine and checked for your heartbeat. Mom stayed with you until the last second, but she had to leave, she couldn't take the pain. I put my head on top of yours and kissed you and told you I loved you so much, that I would always love you. And then when I pulled back and realized that you wouldn't be able to respond to me like you always had for thirteen years, my heart stopped. A sob, and maybe throw-up, welled up in my throat and I ran out of the room hysterical. I'm sure we all made quite a scene in that hospital. I ran outside where Mom was, standing under a tree. A few minutes later Dad and Danica came out, sobbing and red-faced, shaking. I was miserable driving back to school that night, knowing my brother was gone.
You weren't just a friendly pet to me. You provided us with protection when Dad traveled, companionship while Mom worked from home. You were mediator when Mom and I fought in my junior high years, running back and forth between the two of us, and pawing our knees when our voices got too loud, licking our faces when the angry tears came rolling down. You loved playing dress up, and allowed Danica and I to put our clothes on you and take pictures, such a good sport. When our house got robbed right after we bought you, rather than run away (like we would have expected) you were sitting in the front yard when Mom got home from work. You let us tell you our deepest secrets, and with a tail wag let us know we weren't crazy or bad people. You helped us sing "Happy Birthday" right up to your nineties, when the pitch just got too high for you- do you know everyone would save the voice-mails we would leave them with you singing? You were a star in our eyes. You kept us healthy, a husky like you taking us on long walks through your favorite Wildflower Trail at Beaver Brook, and you took yourself on long walks when you ran away twice and gave us heart attacks. You checked on us while we were sleeping- I remember so many times being on the verge on falling asleep, and you would paw open my door, walk over to the bed, stare at me, and walk out, just to check. You helped us unwrap presents, shovel snow, rake leaves, plant flowers...oh wait, no you didn't, you would lay down on the wrapping paper or walk across it and consequentially rip it with your nails, you attacked our gloves when it snowed, buried yourself in the mounds that Dad would make with the truck, you rolled in the leaves and scattered the piles, and you slept on the flowers Mom planted, or dug them up. You were a brightness in our lives that cannot be replaced. Everyone who met you loved you and saw how beautiful, excuse me, handsome, you were. You're fluffy tail and the white streak across your thick, fluffy neck, you were definitely the best looking in the family.
I'll miss everything about you.
You were always loyal, protective, loving, and you put us first. You stayed around a lot longer than you probably should have for a big dog like you, but you loved us so you stuck it out. You're irreplaceable in our hearts, but I hope someday we can rescue another dog like you who needs us, maybe your spirit will be inside him or her a little bit.
I hope you are romping through valleys, meadows, forests, streams (but staying away from the ocean because the waves scare you a little) and examining leaves and rocks and smelling flowers like Ferdinand. I know you're there with Buggsy, Chicago, Nina (Peyton's dog, she's great, you will love her) and and meeting new dogs who had to finally fall asleep for good. I hope your spirit will come visit me when I need you, please keep a watchful brown eye on me.
All dogs go to heaven.
(And I hope they have bacon, steak fat, Chickarina, scrambled eggs, American cheese, vanilla ice cream, crusty Italian bread, and all your other favorite foods, including grass)
Beau, you'll be in my heart and soul forever.
